Slightly rational Contemplations

Love is: maybe something like...

2009-04-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

Someone who holds you as the terrors of your mind ravage your soul. This person holds you so tightly during the fight that you actually for a moment believe again that your soul will win. In so many words it’s a restoration of hope you almost never knew existed. This person is God’s way of reaching your broken heart to gradually bring healing. Why is it gradual? Healing is gradual because trust is gradual and that should not change no matter how much we want the process to speed up. Trust is ruined if it is rushed.

An investment of the heart. I wish it was controllable like money… Okay maybe as something more stable than money. Who do we trust with our hearts? Can we trust our hearts not to run off with the wrong person or idea? Is this world safe to let our hearts…run?

"Time asks no questions, it moves on without you
Leaving you behind if you can’t stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning, you can’t stop it if you try to
The best part is danger staring you in the face

Listen as the day unfolds, challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky"
-Des'ree, Love will save the day

There is part of me that wants nothing more than to succeed and go off to a great college and become independent. Then there is this part of me that would give anything to be back where I was two years ago, sitting on the porch out in Matoaca looking out over the pond, drinking coffee and relaxing. Ahh to hear the birds chirping and the chickens squawking. What I miss the most is my family. It’s inevitable that I’m going to be separated from them for right now. So what am I going to do with this time? I refuse to let it be a time of just wishing to be back with them. Sometimes things just happen. Shall I look at it as an opportunity or a tragedy, a beginning or an end, or maybe both? Some things have to die in order for dreams to grow.

Security is over-rated. Love is under-rated.

For Chris

2009-04-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

Okay so you said I should blog about you so you could know what I think about you so here it is:

Every time I think about you while I can see my reflection, I notice that I’m smiling so I can only assume every time I think about you I smile. (I feel I need to add this aside: When I love people, I love them with all of my heart. I need to protect that. I would do anything you asked me to, or I would at least make an effort to please you in whatever way is best. However, I have found that no one is going to take care of me. I need to take care of myself. I need to be prepared for my future. You will break my heart. I am not ready to be in an intimate relationship with another person right now. I need you to be my friend and nothing more at least for right now.) You are sweet, you are kind, you are funny, you are generous, you are impatient, you are confused, you are discontent, you are inspiring, you somehow give me courage to stand up for myself, you are like a breath of fresh air amongst the stagnant odors of numb disassociation that I find myself slipping into so often. I miss you and yet never want to see you again at the same time. I know I care for you but am uncertain how I should best handle expressing that to you. Pain is okay for me to take but I can’t let you make me more numb than I already am. If you have feelings for me, I need you to be truthful as to exactly what they are. I don’t know what you want from me but this is how I feel.

Poor little Bubble Bee

2009-02-08T10:38:00.000-08:00

Aren't bumble bees interesting creatures?

Some people are terrified of them which may be justified in their minds because if these people get stung, they go into anaphylactic shock. They don't seem to me as terrifying possibly because I've never been stung since I could remember. I'd describe my view of bees as significantly less than life-threatening. One found me today as I was studying for my Psychology test. Lately I've been easily annoyed but I surprised myself when I didn't shoo the petite insect away. As this bee persistently fondled my highlighter, I just reflected on his behavior with a simple question (which in my inconsistent sanity I voiced out-loud). "What are you doing out here?" Since the flowers are mostly gone I was perplexed at this little creature who seemed out of place. The little bundle of black and yellow stripes ignored me as expected but as a breeze began to blow the bundle was completely uplifted from its perch. The disgruntled insect regained its control and resumed its position, probing the highlighter apparently for pollen. Eventually it moved on realizing (as I like to assume) the hunt for flowers in February is somewhat futile. Here comes my philosophical deduction of the relevance this story may have on my life: I recently moved in with my sister - A decision made based on what I believe to be a result of divine guidance. I felt strongly when I was preparing myself to enter into this state of lease-binding apartment dwelling that I was being blow by the wind of God's Holy Spirit. In John 3, the acceptably beloved disciple of Jesus Christ writes about my savior's explanation of the Spirit of God. What a mystery, this helper sent from above. It is like the wind which pushed the bee of the highlighter. In my life God's wind has pushed me out of and into many different situations. I view it this way the bee had a purpose like I do. He was designed to harvest pollen; I was designed to worship the living God. The bee was looking for the best way to find the pollen; I am looking for the best way to worship God. The bee got tossed around by the wind because it was weaker and submissive to the wind; I get moved around a great deal because I am weaker than God's mighty direction and am trying to be obedient to Him. I feel like God is giving me an opportunity to see things the way they really are through His objective perspective. Like the wind pushed the bee off the highlighter and gave it an opportunity to realize that there was no pollen on it. Sometimes God pushes me to another place in life because there is nothing left for me in whatever place I currently find myself. I am excited and somewhat frustrated with the fact that I am moving again so soon and I can't really see the point God had for me coming here in the first place. But just because I do not see the significance of my obedience, I trust that God will fulfill His promises and work all things together for the good of those who love Him. Poor little bubble bee, I hope you find what you are looking for soon without resistance to the help He has offered us.

Lack of Sleep

2009-01-25T08:50:00.000-08:00

Isn't funny how silly we get when we are tired? For me it is a similiar outcome as those who are intoxicated. This makes it easy for me to deny alcohol or other drugs because if I'm that silly purely from lake of sleep, I don't need to add another layer of lacking my inhibitions. I love just hanging out with good friends when I'm in a state of silliness because I love laughing until my stomach hurts. Just the other night, my very Best friend Sarah and I played Spit. Now I hadn't slept good since so long ago that I couldn't even remember, so I was pretty silly. I guess it's somewhat contagious because Sarah joined in with me. Ahh the intensity of the game, the spinning rock hard sesame seed bread and the noisy neighbors all make it an unforgetable night of fun that I desire to do at the very least once a week. Oh, how I wish we could live together but that is sadly impractical at the moment. Maybe one day we will, but until then we will keep in touch over the distance, no matter how great it grows. Good friends are definitely hard to find these days but I am so thankful that I have more than a few. I'd like to give an especially thoughtful thank you to my bestest friend Sarah because just being around her brightens my whole outlook on life. I will be your friend forever and will always look back on the time we've shared fondly. There are some people that come into your life that you just can't forget. It would be impossible for me to forget such an awesome, inspiring and kind friend like Sarah Young. Oh and by the way, Jackie says hi.

You are Beautiful

2008-10-06T13:17:00.002-07:00

Beautiful? what does that have to do with anything?!

I feel so much pain right now it is incredible. My body is covered with bruises, my muscles are so soar and stiff it's hard to move any thing, my ears feel like they're on fire and that's just the physical side of my pain which is by far the least intense. My emotions are on a roller coaster of extreme highs and unbearable lows. As soon as one crisis is solved another uncontrollable situation demands my attention out of seemingly nowhere. All of them situations that I have no control over whatsoever which destroys my capacity to move on untill the situation has some sort of resolution. For example I just found out my 18 month old nephew is in the hospital because he took some medication from a "child proof" bottle that is now causing his heart to race and words to cease. I can't even go to him! It's completely beyond my control and that creates so much pain in me that can hardly breathe. All this after rejoicing that my brother made it back safe and sound from Cambodia with his wife, a situation that seemingly took forever to get some sort of closure. My brain is trying it's best to control the mass insanity so that I can maintain my status for qualification in the Phi Theta Kappa honors society. Every time I logically try to put my life together it ends up much like a Rubik cube that someone switched the pieces around so that it really, truly can never be sorted out. My five classes are considered the small responsibilities in my eyes as I juggle two jobs with limited finances to fulfill such needs as food, shelter and communication.

He knows all of this and the response is you are beautiful. How is that even relevant?

Thinking about it reminds me of Superchicks motto "Beauty comes from pain." I'm not really a big Superchick fan, for those of you who might not know they're a band, but I've always liked that quote. Honestly I have no idea what it means or how it makes sense. I do know that one of the most beautiful sights in the world to me is a sunset or sunrise. The colors are breathtaking but I've heard it's cause by the pollution in our atmosphere. Doesn't pollution hurt our atmosphere? I think colors are the most amazingly beautiful part of light I have ever known but they are a result of tearing apart a light beam. If a light beam could feel, would that hurt? I still don't understand but I do feel a little bit better about my pain believing that beauty has somehow come from it. Maybe my beauty can effect others the way the sunsets and colors effect me, causing my to forget about my pain and focus on the result of something or someone else's.

The Prayer of the Pickle

2008-09-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

Okay so I've been meaning to "write" this for a while now and have been so swapped with life - school - jobs - family - friends - you know the drill, I just couldn't find the time.

Well, I still couldn't find the time but I realized that's because I already had it. I was just letting my responsibilities determine how I spent it. Instead of doing what I wanted to do, I was doing what I thought I had to do (or what other people wanted me to do). So now that I have taken control again of my priorities, I will tell you the story of the pickles and the prayer...

One day, I reached into the pantry and pulled out the long neglected jar of dill pickles. I had bought them about three weeks earlier and many times had looked them over, thinking to myself, "I don't really feel like a pickle right now." Well this day was the day. I FELT like eating a pickle. I dare say even craved a pickle. I decided it was the perfect addition to my hummus pita with lettuce and tomatoe and my ruffles potato chips. Everything was going to plan as I pulled the jar out of the pantry and began to grab the lid. However, when I attempted to remove the light green lid from it's fitted glass jar, nothing budged. I tried repeatedly with all my might using the various common methods for jar opening (you know, the little pad that you use for better grip, hitting the bottom of the jar, etc. my friend Sabrina even banged on the lid with a butter knife handle). Nothing worked. I began to think maybe the pickles habored some sort of resentment against me for making them wait so long in the pantry. After Sabrina and I gave ever ounce of strength that we had left she suggested, "All we have left is to pray." So, haphazardly and not very sincerely, short of the fact that I really wanted the pickle, I prayed, "Dear God, please help me open this jar of pickles."

No Joke. I really tried it. And guess what... Immediately, without any real big effort of my own, the lid came off. Then a light broke through the clouds and angels sang the famous Hallelujah chorus! Okay that last part about the clouds was a joke but the lid really did come off super easy after I prayed. Awesome, right?!

My contemplation: Maybe God is telling me that I've tried my best and now need to just ask him to help. It'll be so much easier when we do it as a team instead of me acting alone thinking God is testing me. Maybe God is testing me not to see if I can make it alone but to see if I ask him for help. Maybe the lesson of the pickles is that God wants to join me in my struggles not simply give me what I want. Maybe I'm just ramblining on, but hey that's what blogs are for.

Hummus

2008-09-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

I love this stuff!!

It has been a large part of my diet now for three days. It is a majority of at least one of my meals every day. Now, I've always been a fan of hummus, but I currently have a big tub of it sitting in the fridge that I feel compelled to eat. Mr. 32 oz. tub calls to me with the delectable spread of softly smashed garbanzo beans contained within the walls of his plastic casing.

I was first introduced to hummus through my friend who prefers vegetables over meat. She served it to me on pita bread with melted cheese and a tomato. I ate it simply enough not realizing that this would be the start of a taste memory that would haunt me as a strong craving for the years to come. (okay, to be honest this was probably last year, I was just using a little exaggeration for dramatic effect)

To make things clear I don't really prefer vegetables or hummus over meat. Neither do I prefer meat over vegetables or hummus. I prefer to eat them all equally. Grant it, over time, my consumption of hummus will most likely fall far below my consumption of food from the other two categories - reduced so much so as to be grouped in with the vegetables again. Meat is amazing and so are vegetables. It is impossible to live a balanced life without both of them together.

Random Quote:

"Life is like a bowl of hummus:You can't get hummus without smashing some chickpeas!"
http://www.aref-adib.com/archives/000426.html

In the beginning...

2008-08-31T19:18:00.000-07:00

Wow I have a blog. To be honest I don't enjoy the internet and computers all that often. Occasionally, I have even wished to be amish at times. Why start a blog then, you say. I was inspired by a good friend of mine who has an awesome one. I just hope mine won't be a disappointment.

You see I find myself contemplating quite a bit in life and thought a blog might help me gather my thoughts. Also, my friend uses it as a reference as to what's going on in her life so now I can answer people's inquirings about how I'm doing with: "Why don't you check out my blog."