You are Beautiful

Beautiful? what does that have to do with anything?!

I feel so much pain right now it is incredible. My body is covered with bruises, my muscles are so soar and stiff it's hard to move any thing, my ears feel like they're on fire and that's just the physical side of my pain which is by far the least intense. My emotions are on a roller coaster of extreme highs and unbearable lows. As soon as one crisis is solved another uncontrollable situation demands my attention out of seemingly nowhere. All of them situations that I have no control over whatsoever which destroys my capacity to move on untill the situation has some sort of resolution. For example I just found out my 18 month old nephew is in the hospital because he took some medication from a "child proof" bottle that is now causing his heart to race and words to cease. I can't even go to him! It's completely beyond my control and that creates so much pain in me that can hardly breathe. All this after rejoicing that my brother made it back safe and sound from Cambodia with his wife, a situation that seemingly took forever to get some sort of closure. My brain is trying it's best to control the mass insanity so that I can maintain my status for qualification in the Phi Theta Kappa honors society. Every time I logically try to put my life together it ends up much like a Rubik cube that someone switched the pieces around so that it really, truly can never be sorted out. My five classes are considered the small responsibilities in my eyes as I juggle two jobs with limited finances to fulfill such needs as food, shelter and communication.

He knows all of this and the response is you are beautiful. How is that even relevant?

Thinking about it reminds me of Superchicks motto "Beauty comes from pain." I'm not really a big Superchick fan, for those of you who might not know they're a band, but I've always liked that quote. Honestly I have no idea what it means or how it makes sense. I do know that one of the most beautiful sights in the world to me is a sunset or sunrise. The colors are breathtaking but I've heard it's cause by the pollution in our atmosphere. Doesn't pollution hurt our atmosphere? I think colors are the most amazingly beautiful part of light I have ever known but they are a result of tearing apart a light beam. If a light beam could feel, would that hurt? I still don't understand but I do feel a little bit better about my pain believing that beauty has somehow come from it. Maybe my beauty can effect others the way the sunsets and colors effect me, causing my to forget about my pain and focus on the result of something or someone else's.

The Prayer of the Pickle

Okay so I've been meaning to "write" this for a while now and have been so swapped with life - school - jobs - family - friends - you know the drill, I just couldn't find the time.

Well, I still couldn't find the time but I realized that's because I already had it. I was just letting my responsibilities determine how I spent it. Instead of doing what I wanted to do, I was doing what I thought I had to do (or what other people wanted me to do). So now that I have taken control again of my priorities, I will tell you the story of the pickles and the prayer...

One day, I reached into the pantry and pulled out the long neglected jar of dill pickles. I had bought them about three weeks earlier and many times had looked them over, thinking to myself, "I don't really feel like a pickle right now." Well this day was the day. I FELT like eating a pickle. I dare say even craved a pickle. I decided it was the perfect addition to my hummus pita with lettuce and tomatoe and my ruffles potato chips. Everything was going to plan as I pulled the jar out of the pantry and began to grab the lid. However, when I attempted to remove the light green lid from it's fitted glass jar, nothing budged. I tried repeatedly with all my might using the various common methods for jar opening (you know, the little pad that you use for better grip, hitting the bottom of the jar, etc. my friend Sabrina even banged on the lid with a butter knife handle). Nothing worked. I began to think maybe the pickles habored some sort of resentment against me for making them wait so long in the pantry. After Sabrina and I gave ever ounce of strength that we had left she suggested, "All we have left is to pray." So, haphazardly and not very sincerely, short of the fact that I really wanted the pickle, I prayed, "Dear God, please help me open this jar of pickles."

No Joke. I really tried it. And guess what... Immediately, without any real big effort of my own, the lid came off. Then a light broke through the clouds and angels sang the famous Hallelujah chorus! Okay that last part about the clouds was a joke but the lid really did come off super easy after I prayed. Awesome, right?!

My contemplation: Maybe God is telling me that I've tried my best and now need to just ask him to help. It'll be so much easier when we do it as a team instead of me acting alone thinking God is testing me. Maybe God is testing me not to see if I can make it alone but to see if I ask him for help. Maybe the lesson of the pickles is that God wants to join me in my struggles not simply give me what I want. Maybe I'm just ramblining on, but hey that's what blogs are for.

Hummus

I love this stuff!!

It has been a large part of my diet now for three days. It is a majority of at least one of my meals every day. Now, I've always been a fan of hummus, but I currently have a big tub of it sitting in the fridge that I feel compelled to eat. Mr. 32 oz. tub calls to me with the delectable spread of softly smashed garbanzo beans contained within the walls of his plastic casing.

I was first introduced to hummus through my friend who prefers vegetables over meat. She served it to me on pita bread with melted cheese and a tomato. I ate it simply enough not realizing that this would be the start of a taste memory that would haunt me as a strong craving for the years to come. (okay, to be honest this was probably last year, I was just using a little exaggeration for dramatic effect)

To make things clear I don't really prefer vegetables or hummus over meat. Neither do I prefer meat over vegetables or hummus. I prefer to eat them all equally. Grant it, over time, my consumption of hummus will most likely fall far below my consumption of food from the other two categories - reduced so much so as to be grouped in with the vegetables again. Meat is amazing and so are vegetables. It is impossible to live a balanced life without both of them together.

Random Quote:

"Life is like a bowl of hummus:You can't get hummus without smashing some chickpeas!"
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In the beginning...

Wow I have a blog. To be honest I don't enjoy the internet and computers all that often. Occasionally, I have even wished to be amish at times. Why start a blog then, you say. I was inspired by a good friend of mine who has an awesome one. I just hope mine won't be a disappointment.

You see I find myself contemplating quite a bit in life and thought a blog might help me gather my thoughts. Also, my friend uses it as a reference as to what's going on in her life so now I can answer people's inquirings about how I'm doing with: "Why don't you check out my blog."