Beautiful? what does that have to do with anything?! I feel so much pain right now it is incredible. My body is covered with bruises, my muscles are so soar and stiff it's hard to move any thing, my ears feel like they're on fire and that's just the physical side of my pain which is by far the least intense. My emotions are on a roller coaster of extreme highs and unbearable lows. As soon as one crisis is solved another uncontrollable situation demands my attention out of seemingly nowhere. All of them situations that I have no control over whatsoever which destroys my capacity to move on untill the situation has some sort of resolution. For example I just found out my 18 month old nephew is in the hospital because he took some medication from a "child proof" bottle that is now causing his heart to race and words to cease. I can't even go to him! It's completely beyond my control and that creates so much pain in me that can hardly breathe. All this after rejoicing that my brother made it back safe and sound from Cambodia with his wife, a situation that seemingly took forever to get some sort of closure. My brain is trying it's best to control the mass insanity so that I can maintain my status for qualification in the Phi Theta Kappa honors society. Every time I logically try to put my life together it ends up much like a Rubik cube that someone switched the pieces around so that it really, truly can never be sorted out. My five classes are considered the small responsibilities in my eyes as I juggle two jobs with limited finances to fulfill such needs as food, shelter and communication.
He knows all of this and the response is you are beautiful. How is that even relevant?
Thinking about it reminds me of Superchicks motto "Beauty comes from pain." I'm not really a big Superchick fan, for those of you who might not know they're a band, but I've always liked that quote. Honestly I have no idea what it means or how it makes sense. I do know that one of the most beautiful sights in the world to me is a sunset or sunrise. The colors are breathtaking but I've heard it's cause by the pollution in our atmosphere. Doesn't pollution hurt our atmosphere? I think colors are the most amazingly beautiful part of light I have ever known but they are a result of tearing apart a light beam. If a light beam could feel, would that hurt? I still don't understand but I do feel a little bit better about my pain believing that beauty has somehow come from it. Maybe my beauty can effect others the way the sunsets and colors effect me, causing my to forget about my pain and focus on the result of something or someone else's.
