Love is: maybe something like...

Someone who holds you as the terrors of your mind ravage your soul. This person holds you so tightly during the fight that you actually for a moment believe again that your soul will win. In so many words it’s a restoration of hope you almost never knew existed. This person is God’s way of reaching your broken heart to gradually bring healing. Why is it gradual? Healing is gradual because trust is gradual and that should not change no matter how much we want the process to speed up. Trust is ruined if it is rushed.


An investment of the heart. I wish it was controllable like money… Okay maybe as something more stable than money. Who do we trust with our hearts? Can we trust our hearts not to run off with the wrong person or idea? Is this world safe to let our hearts…run?

"Time asks no questions, it moves on without you
Leaving you behind if you can’t stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning, you can’t stop it if you try to
The best part is danger staring you in the face

Listen as the day unfolds, challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky"
-Des'ree, Love will save the day

There is part of me that wants nothing more than to succeed and go off to a great college and become independent. Then there is this part of me that would give anything to be back where I was two years ago, sitting on the porch out in Matoaca looking out over the pond, drinking coffee and relaxing. Ahh to hear the birds chirping and the chickens squawking. What I miss the most is my family. It’s inevitable that I’m going to be separated from them for right now. So what am I going to do with this time? I refuse to let it be a time of just wishing to be back with them. Sometimes things just happen. Shall I look at it as an opportunity or a tragedy, a beginning or an end, or maybe both? Some things have to die in order for dreams to grow.

Security is over-rated. Love is under-rated.

For Chris

Okay so you said I should blog about you so you could know what I think about you so here it is:

Every time I think about you while I can see my reflection, I notice that I’m smiling so I can only assume every time I think about you I smile. (I feel I need to add this aside: When I love people, I love them with all of my heart. I need to protect that. I would do anything you asked me to, or I would at least make an effort to please you in whatever way is best. However, I have found that no one is going to take care of me. I need to take care of myself. I need to be prepared for my future. You will break my heart. I am not ready to be in an intimate relationship with another person right now. I need you to be my friend and nothing more at least for right now.) You are sweet, you are kind, you are funny, you are generous, you are impatient, you are confused, you are discontent, you are inspiring, you somehow give me courage to stand up for myself, you are like a breath of fresh air amongst the stagnant odors of numb disassociation that I find myself slipping into so often. I miss you and yet never want to see you again at the same time. I know I care for you but am uncertain how I should best handle expressing that to you. Pain is okay for me to take but I can’t let you make me more numb than I already am. If you have feelings for me, I need you to be truthful as to exactly what they are. I don’t know what you want from me but this is how I feel.

Poor little Bubble Bee

Aren't bumble bees interesting creatures?

Some people are terrified of them which may be justified in their minds because if these people get stung, they go into anaphylactic shock. They don't seem to me as terrifying possibly because I've never been stung since I could remember. I'd describe my view of bees as significantly less than life-threatening. One found me today as I was studying for my Psychology test. Lately I've been easily annoyed but I surprised myself when I didn't shoo the petite insect away. As this bee persistently fondled my highlighter, I just reflected on his behavior with a simple question (which in my inconsistent sanity I voiced out-loud). "What are you doing out here?" Since the flowers are mostly gone I was perplexed at this little creature who seemed out of place. The little bundle of black and yellow stripes ignored me as expected but as a breeze began to blow the bundle was completely uplifted from its perch. The disgruntled insect regained its control and resumed its position, probing the highlighter apparently for pollen. Eventually it moved on realizing (as I like to assume) the hunt for flowers in February is somewhat futile. Here comes my philosophical deduction of the relevance this story may have on my life: I recently moved in with my sister - A decision made based on what I believe to be a result of divine guidance. I felt strongly when I was preparing myself to enter into this state of lease-binding apartment dwelling that I was being blow by the wind of God's Holy Spirit. In John 3, the acceptably beloved disciple of Jesus Christ writes about my savior's explanation of the Spirit of God. What a mystery, this helper sent from above. It is like the wind which pushed the bee of the highlighter. In my life God's wind has pushed me out of and into many different situations. I view it this way the bee had a purpose like I do. He was designed to harvest pollen; I was designed to worship the living God. The bee was looking for the best way to find the pollen; I am looking for the best way to worship God. The bee got tossed around by the wind because it was weaker and submissive to the wind; I get moved around a great deal because I am weaker than God's mighty direction and am trying to be obedient to Him. I feel like God is giving me an opportunity to see things the way they really are through His objective perspective. Like the wind pushed the bee off the highlighter and gave it an opportunity to realize that there was no pollen on it. Sometimes God pushes me to another place in life because there is nothing left for me in whatever place I currently find myself. I am excited and somewhat frustrated with the fact that I am moving again so soon and I can't really see the point God had for me coming here in the first place. But just because I do not see the significance of my obedience, I trust that God will fulfill His promises and work all things together for the good of those who love Him. Poor little bubble bee, I hope you find what you are looking for soon without resistance to the help He has offered us.

Lack of Sleep

Isn't funny how silly we get when we are tired? For me it is a similiar outcome as those who are intoxicated. This makes it easy for me to deny alcohol or other drugs because if I'm that silly purely from lake of sleep, I don't need to add another layer of lacking my inhibitions. I love just hanging out with good friends when I'm in a state of silliness because I love laughing until my stomach hurts. Just the other night, my very Best friend Sarah and I played Spit. Now I hadn't slept good since so long ago that I couldn't even remember, so I was pretty silly. I guess it's somewhat contagious because Sarah joined in with me. Ahh the intensity of the game, the spinning rock hard sesame seed bread and the noisy neighbors all make it an unforgetable night of fun that I desire to do at the very least once a week. Oh, how I wish we could live together but that is sadly impractical at the moment. Maybe one day we will, but until then we will keep in touch over the distance, no matter how great it grows. Good friends are definitely hard to find these days but I am so thankful that I have more than a few. I'd like to give an especially thoughtful thank you to my bestest friend Sarah because just being around her brightens my whole outlook on life. I will be your friend forever and will always look back on the time we've shared fondly. There are some people that come into your life that you just can't forget. It would be impossible for me to forget such an awesome, inspiring and kind friend like Sarah Young. Oh and by the way, Jackie says hi.