For Chris

Okay so you said I should blog about you so you could know what I think about you so here it is:

Every time I think about you while I can see my reflection, I notice that I’m smiling so I can only assume every time I think about you I smile. (I feel I need to add this aside: When I love people, I love them with all of my heart. I need to protect that. I would do anything you asked me to, or I would at least make an effort to please you in whatever way is best. However, I have found that no one is going to take care of me. I need to take care of myself. I need to be prepared for my future. You will break my heart. I am not ready to be in an intimate relationship with another person right now. I need you to be my friend and nothing more at least for right now.) You are sweet, you are kind, you are funny, you are generous, you are impatient, you are confused, you are discontent, you are inspiring, you somehow give me courage to stand up for myself, you are like a breath of fresh air amongst the stagnant odors of numb disassociation that I find myself slipping into so often. I miss you and yet never want to see you again at the same time. I know I care for you but am uncertain how I should best handle expressing that to you. Pain is okay for me to take but I can’t let you make me more numb than I already am. If you have feelings for me, I need you to be truthful as to exactly what they are. I don’t know what you want from me but this is how I feel.